There’s something I’ve been wanting to write about for a while now. It’s a topic that I don’t see much coverage on and something that I’m not even sure I should share in a public sphere but when have I ever been shy?
So here goes, a little fact about me at this time in my life ‘I’m lonely’. No I’m not a loner or lacking friends, I have an abundance of amazing comrades. It’s one of those man types with a permanent presence that I lack. I can almost feel the slight discomfort for people reading this. Should I be uttering vulnerable statements like that?
To be clear I don’t need a man to complete me, actually im very satisfied with who I am, my life, my values and so on. Yet I have a wonderful ability to persue the wrong type of guy, mostly emotionally unavailable ones. I’ve had to try and segment the type in order to understand my dating habits. Why? Because I’m sick of disappointments.
I believe things happen for a reason and I don’t want a boyfriend for the sake of it. But at the same time when you’re constantly asked “how are you single” what I am supposed to reply with? All that question poses to me is an internal questioning of what’s wrong with me? Why has there been a six year hiatus? Yep, six years. A love for independence and travel has meant that finding a ‘boy’ as everyone terms their boyfriend hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind. Go back two years and the thought of any commitment was frankly terrifying. Yet now I start to question my desirability feeling that perhaps I’m not good enough? How has it come to valuing my self worth on that?? I have to give myself a good talking to for thinking like that.
Coupled up friends love the ‘when you’re not looking it will happen’. Guys, to clarify when you’re single and not wanting to be you’re always looking!! Its human nature to look for potential partners and if I’m out at the pub I’m going to do a quick survey of the room before I settle down with my G&T. OK so a pub may not be the best place to look for a love….
But really I long for intimacy and not fleeting drunk kisses in a sweaty bar. An arm around my shoulder, hand slipped around the waist, listening to what I have to say. Someone to share experiences and get lost and excited with. This beautiful world is wonderful to view alone but times shared are always so much better.
Dating is exhausting and expensive. I’ve tried online dating without much success and got one very nice friend from Tinder. But after a couple of Tinder royal fails I decided my man confidence couldn’t take the hit and promptly deleted the app. Which brings me onto the issue of dating and money. I have just moved back to London and can’t afford to be off gallivanting on dates twice a week. I simply can’t afford it. There’s a business idea right there, dates with no monetary spend and no obligation to buy them a beer.
With the rise of online dating and addictive apps the romance and mystery has diminished. Dating feels disposable and like a queueing system with everyone waiting for someone/something better to come along.
I’m not oblivious to the fact that dating is two way and there are times I meet someone and think ‘nope, no way, never, bye’ but I always try and make it clear none of this ‘I had such a great time’ which men seem to think we need to hear then never call us again. Guys a little honesty mixed with tact is much kinder than stringing people along.
I wish people could just been more honest with their feelings, that’s why I’m putting this out there. Actually I think its OK to admit when we’re struggling with things. But wait will a potential suitor read this and think ‘she’s an odd ball!’?? Well if they do then they’re not the right man for me.
But on a more serious note my self worth isn’t measured by my dating success. As a friend put it this morning ‘I don’t need a guy to tell me I’m awesome, I know I am’.